Despair

Initially I was planning to write a joyous and happy post but the hast 30 minutes my feeling has undergone a major turn.

Have you ever wondered how a doctor can appear so calm and to an extent cold when breaking bad news? Many of us have seen it in ER, Grey's Anatomy and many other western medical dramas and we assume that it is an inherent part of being a doctor. It comes with the job, many would say. Well, it is true in some sense but many never realise that is the hardest part of the job. Holding the person's hand, so calm and collected when you tell them they have only a few months to live; or when you tell the family to learn to let go. Many of us would feel so bad inside after that, some may even cry. But then, we know, these people look at us for hope, into our souls they search for solace and it is part of the Hipocratic oath we undertook - to always comfort out patients.

Even then, when this happens to someone close we do not know how to handle the situation. The ideal doctor may know but then he is a myth. Majority of us are mere mortals who do not. We are lost. There is no Hutchinson textbook on menaging your fears for a loved ones. We go through the grief process as any other person.

But it is worse for the medical personnel. We know. We know the eventual outcome, we know the pain that the person will go through and we can forsee the suffering. So how can you seek solace and find hope if you know all this?

Words are cheap. Be strong for them. That is what I used to tell the family members. But finding my own strength when I am faced with this has proven to be very difficult. How can I tell my friend that everything is going to be allright when in my heart I am praying that she does not suffer when her time comes?

It is wierd. I would take a deep breath each time before I see her. Suck in all my fears, all my sadness. And she knows the truth, she may have a glimmer of hope in her soul but deep inside she knows. She is a strong lady but she have seen a lot in her career. She also used to give hope to others when she was a nurse looking after some of the oncology patients, and she have seen what the disease do to people.

But as sad as I may feel I have to do it. Not coming in terms with this and running away makes me a coward and a disloyal friend. I am filled with dispair but I just have to do my part. Keep her company. Support her through the bad days. Laugh with her through the good and try to be a pillar of her strength.

And yes, today is a bad day!

Grounded

A friend of mine used to say “it’s easy for you to do ‘amal jariah’, everyday you go to work part of it is amal jariah”. (Note: amal jariah is a malay term equivalent to charity). Anyway, I do not see it that way, to me, each of us has a role in the universe and if we do our job right that we are doing ‘amal jariah’ in our own way.

Anyway, what I love about being a doctor is the people I get to meet. I know previously I had bitched about irritating patients and families but that itself is an experience. I get to learn about a lot of things I normally would not be exposed to. I listen and get humbled by other peoples experiences. Some may be good and some may be bad. But in the end, I learn. “Yang baik dijadikan tauladan, yang buruk dijadikan sempadan”.

As a specialist, the opportunity to listen to a patient’s thoughts is quite limited. With the bigger responsibility of supervising and monitoring the daily on-goings in the wards and hospital I haven’t had the luxury of sitting down and chit-chatting with each patient. It is usually my medical officers who would alert me to any personal problems that the patient may have. Well, it was during my housemanship and MOship that I learnt the art of listening, I guess my time has passed.

However, today the rare opportunity presented itself. It was in the Operating theatre when I saw one of my ward patients waiting for a minor surgery in the waiting area. He is an elderly Malay man in his late 60s, white hair, an unkempt beard, and a pair of sad beady eyes. His pressure apparently went sky high as he entered the OT (it has that effect on many people, especially with its 16 degrees temperature). Anyway, he looked a bit distressed and so I decided to talk to him and ask how he is doing.

“ I am exhausted” he said. The polished English blew me away. He must be fairly educated, I thought.

I examined him quickly and then proceeded to talk to him. “That’s fairly normal Uncle. You have heart failure and thus you find it a bit difficult to breathe. The oxygen will help you”.

He said “Heart failure…hmmmm… that is how my wife died. She had heart failure, She left me 10 years ago”.

Me “I am so sorry uncle”

“That’s why I am here alone.” He paused for a while. Then he said “ I am so disappointed”.

Me: “Why uncle? Is anything wrong?”

“I have many children but all of them have to work. *sigh* You know, when you are ill, you hope there would always be someone beside you to cheer you up; to give you inspiration but now……”. He then kept quiet.

I was at loss of what to say. I just held his hand and told him that we are going to try and make him better. Deep down I know, physically he may be ok but deep inside he is a crushed man.

Well, it got me thinking. As a human being we need company. At the end of the day, having someone beside you in your time of need is the best feeling of all. It give a person the sense of security, that someone will be there to catch you when you fall.

And at this point of my life if I hope that all that I have done in the past and all that I will do in the future will not keep my family and friends away from me in my time of need.

Ah.... what deep thoughts have my brief 5 minutes conversation provoked. And this is what I like the most about my job, there are always subtle reminders surrounding us to keep us grounded and human. But only if we stop and listen!

My state of mind

Sometimes I get confused. I get confused with myself.

I use to think I am an understanding person. I use to think I am selfless and do things for the right reasons. And when I do things that I feel compromise other peoples feelings I feel absolutely sick inside. Sick that I may have made the person sad, sick that I may have hurt the person's feeling, sick that I may have turned into a selfish self-centred jerk.

When I feel like this I feel down. Absolutely down. I can't explain why but when I feel like this I get chest pains, numbing headaches and I find it difficult to sleep. And this can go on for days.

Right now I am just hoping this feeling would go away.

And she call herself a lecturer?

It was the last day of the exams. Everyone was pretty nervous. It was the dreaded viva-voce. Three examiners grilling one candidate at a time. Thinking of it made my heart jump a beat, "what if I am asked something I do not know?". Ahhhh....I felt inadequate, but then here goes nothing. A whole year of slogging, something should have sunk in.

Suddenly, someone called out my name. I looked up, so did the other five there. She signaled to me to come out. I smiled and immediately rose from my seat. I followed her out to the hall, there she was chatting excitedly, as usual I can't really recall but it was irrelavant. And then she said "Lynn, please do better, you need to pull up your marks". I was stunned. In my mind a one question came up, 'did I fare badly in the other papers?'

I immediately questioned her "What do you mean? Did I fail the previous papers?"

"Oh!" "No, Lynn, I didn't mean that, I am just saying that you need to score in the viva". At that point I found her irritating. I was pissed. By uttering that sentence to me, she threw me completely off balance. I immediately excused myself.

I went back into the holding room. The others looked as I rejoined them. They saw that something had happened, I lost my composure. The cool (but secretly nervous) person is no longer there. It was fifteen minutes to 10. That was when we need to enter the examination hall.

I sat there breathing deeply, negative thoughts crept into my mind. I had to tell myself over and over again "You know this, have faith.... have faith".

And as we walked to our stations her voice keep playing on and on in my mind "....you need to pull up your marks.....". Damn her! Damn her!Damn her

Lost for words

I found out this morning that one of my closest friends has just been diagnosed to have cancer of the breast. It was a very uneasy feeling to hear that. This friend of mine was my clinic nurse, a close confidante, and was like a mother to me. I immediately gave her a call of which she confirmed the rumour I heard. She was calm and told that she wanted to tell me after she got the results of the 2nd biopsy. I think I was more distressed during the phone call. But then, I realise that she and I used to look after Chye's oncology clinic and how she used to counsel the patients to be strong. She said that she cried when she was alone but she too remembered what she said to others.

I felt so bad as during Raya I didn't go and visit her at her home in Gombak. I could have alleviate or share her worries then.

My friend has been a very compassionate, righteous and a very helpful person. Karma-wise she would not have any problems. Hopefully all those moments that she used to help people in need would influence God to lessen her burden.

This is not the first time someone close to me is suffer, and I realise it usually happens to good people. Why, I don't know, perhaps I am only close to good people and thus only see them suffer. Maybe it's God's will to test them and see whether they rise to the occasion.

As for me, I am so poor at this. I may help people in my life daily but when it comes to those close to me I am lost. I am lost for words, I am lost in what to do. I know what is the best but am I emphatic when I say what I need to say? I feel like shedding some tears but I know it doesn't help nor do any good.

I seek solace in God for he is the only one who can provide them the ultimate comfort.

Puasa month was a good month for food. Although I rarely ate out but I had loads to eat, and variety too. I guess fasting stimulates my mind on what to eat or cook... And I cooked almost daily..

Alas, Day Three of Eid, back at Temerloh, back at work I have no more drive... i do not feel like eating... although I am hungry.... I love eating... that is my hobby. So loss of appetite is like loss of libido... ah.....depressing.

Maybe I should try sex....That's is another depressing subject!

Me, myself and I

I have a friend who is currently in the dumps as he feels betrayed by the one he loves. As a person, he wanted a companion to be with him through thick and thin, till death do you part. However, things did not go as planned and now he feels he's alone. Alone in this world of uncertainties.

He is not alone, as he has friends who cares ( and I am one of them). Maybe we cannot give the support a lover can but we still care. I am one who believes we are the master of our own happiness and destiny. We dictate what would affect and weakens us. WE! I!

Therefore, the comes the statement " Me, myself and I"... It is my motto in life. After a few life changing experiences and relationships... being crushed to the core and having to pick up the pieces of my life and soul I decided that enough was enough. My happiness should not be dictated by people around me, it should be by me. If a person makes me sad and unhappy then they should not be in my life...

Now, I am a selfish b%tch... an ice-queen. But who cares what people say.

As for my friend, I hope he pulls through this.It is a rough road ahead I must admit. But then that is what makes us a better person

For my friend

A friend asked for my opinion in some matters of the heart. Complicated matters which is therefore never straightforward. It is not a matter of black or white nor yes or no.

I may be the person's friend but when I am asked such matters I cannot based my decision on my friend. I need to take into account every possible reasons of what has happen. And tell my opinion based on what is the truth. I may have acted unmerciful and blunt when saying what I said.

But then, I guess it is my responsibility as a confidante, as a friend, if being blunt is what it takes for me to get it through the thick skull (maybe whacking with a mallet would be more fruitful) then I have to do it.

There comes a time when a person has to do what a person has to do. It may not be what other people expect of them but then, the decision-maker would have to live with the end results. It may not be a fairytale but then at the crossroads not one would know the final outcome. Retrospective analysis is a futile exercise except to prevent similar mistakes but the most important thing is to make the best out of everything.

So to my dear frind, I know what I say may be hurtful, but I do care and I hope you will pull through this.

Don't know why but I am depressed